The Art of Saying “NO”
Feeling burned out, over-committed, or struggling to prioritize? Here’s how to establish better boundaries one “no” at a time.
We all want to say “yes” to everything that comes to us. There can be different reasons for this, a lot of us suffer from “Fear of Missing Out” (or, FOMO), while others might want to maintain relationships by always saying yes.
No matter what the reason, it’s obvious that we can’t say yes to everything that comes to us, if we do that we would be wasting our own time (which we could have spent doing something more productive, or something more enjoyable).
When To Say No
“If your answer is always yes, that’s a red flag,” says therapist, podcast host and wellness expert Davia Roberts. “If you respond with a yes, and there’s a regret, that’s a concern. And then lastly, if you get into a place where you resent people for your saying yes, then we definitely need to check in and make some shifts.”
In those low-risk situations, get comfortable saying no without an explanation being the second part,” she recommends. “We tend to explain and feel the need to validate why we’re saying no and there is so much power in owning your no. No, I will not attend this event. No, I won’t be at your baby shower. No, I can’t pick the kids up from school today without going into this long soliloquy and apologies. Just no. times.
In a now-viral tweet, poet and editor Eloise Amezcua shared the seven-question test she and her partner use to determine whether to say yes or no to a request:
- Does this make financial sense?
- Is this a good use of my time?
- Do I trust the people putting this on?
- Does this disrupt my time at home?
- How much labor is being asked of me?
- Geographically, does this work for me?
- Am I serving a community I want to serve with this?
If it’s four out of seven, then it’s a yes. It’s a checklist ready to reference when demands are made of your time and energy. When in doubt, it’s always a good idea to tell someone, “Let me think about that,” or “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” Not only do you buy yourself some time, but you lessen the risk of an accidental or overly optimistic yes.
So what’s the solution?
Saying “No” can be difficult, but we can do that without making the other person feel bad or alienated, and in this blog, I am going to tell you three simple techniques using which you can say “no” without sounding rude or alienating others.
Method 1: Directly Say “NO”
|Might seem difficult, but a direct “NO” is at times the best solution
Most of us (including me, sometimes) try to give hints instead of saying a direct “No”.
That might work sometimes, but we have also seen that a lot of people don’t take hints, or even if they do, they are adamant enough to refuse it and keep pursuing.
I believe that instead of giving hints and beating around the bush, it’s always better to give a firm and definite answer — Yes/No
Here’s how —
You can politely say “No”, it doesn’t sound rude, nor will it affect your relationships (most of the times).
People who actually care about you will understand that you have other priorities and commitments that require your immediate attention, and they will appreciate that,
While the people who don’t, will just think that you don’t care, and that is also fine, they shouldn’t matter much in your life. (Learn to differentiate)
A simple example for this could be -
Hey XYZ,
I really appreciate your invitation/opportunity/concern, but at this moment I am really busy with some other work so I will have to decline,
But thanks, I would really love to catch up with you some other time.
Method 2: Defer The Request
By postponing the event and holding the other person accountable for follow up, you can test how serious they are about it
I feel that there is nothing wrong with a direct “No”, but sometimes deferring the request can prove to be more clever and advantageous,
By putting off the request by weeks/months, and making the other person accountable for a quick follow up, you can find out who all are actually serious about the purpose. Let me give you my own example,
I receive a lot of requests to speak in college events, and majorly my calendar on weekends remains filled with events, so whenever I get a new request, I have to put it off by at least 2–3 weeks (Not by choice, since my calendar doesn’t accommodate it),
But, by doing so, I find that less than 20% of the organizers/people follow up.
The reasons might vary, they might have found another speaker, or they might have forgotten, but it gives me a very clear sense of who all were actually serious about having me as a speaker.
The whole point here is that this method gives you a clear sense of whether or not you should give your time. (But the method is not recommended for urgent requests).
How to do it?
Simple, just tell them in a polite way that you are occupied right now but you will be free after a definite amount of time, and tell them to follow up after that period of time.
A simple example —
Hi Xyz,
I (am really excited about)/(appreciate) your invitation/request and would be happy to (meet you)/(help you)But unfortunately I am very tight on schedule these days, and that’s going to be the scenario for at least a month,
Can you (follow up with me)/(ping me back) in a month to take it forward?
Thanks!
Method 3: Set Your Boundaries
Not everyone requires your help,
Not everyone appreciates it!
Our actions continuously form other people’s perception about us, if you keep saying yes to everything, people will actually start expecting a yes to everything, and that can prove disastrous for your time.
Before accepting any request, always weigh three things,
- The value of the request,
- The seriousness of the person requesting
- Your priorities
It’s always good to offer help, accept casual requests, but keep in mind the value of time, for it is the only non-renewable asset that you have.
My point here is to partially accept the offer based on how much time you can spare and how important the request it.
How to do it?
Let’s take an example — A stranger is asking you to be his mentor
Being a mentor can be time-consuming, and if you don’t know the individual and his skills, you can’t (and should not) bet so much time.
But, he deserves a chance, maybe he is really in need of someone to help him, and with that little help, he could grow a lot.
Jimmy: Hi Madhav, I am really struggling with web development, I know for sure that with a little help, I can get started and be really skilled in it. Can you be my mentor?
Madhav: Hi Jimmy, thanks for reaching out,
I really appreciate your efforts and enthusiasm to learn something new, but I think you can understand that it would be very time consuming, and I might not be able to spare that much time.
But don’t worry, here are some links using which you can get started,
- https://youtu.be/FtPRrn5nwAo
- https://youtu.be/2kCLnyevB_Q
-https://youtu.be/8o3aGDRQZMQStart learning from here,
Thanks!
Depending on the three points that I mentioned, learn to set boundaries.
That’s it, thanks for reading till the end, I hope you liked the article. Do let me know how you implemented these techniques and if they helped you save some time, would love to hear your experiences.
